The Surreal Life

It's Saturday night. 10:25 p.m.

And I'm already in bed.

There was a time when I would just be leaving the house at this hour. Instead, I've just popped a Percocet and I'm awaiting the warm fuzzies that will soon approach so I can feel a bit more comfortable and get more rest after what has been a very surreal week; MTV's got nothing on me!

I'm actually improving on a daily basis. In fact, there was even one point when I thought, "Was I really in the hospital? Did I really have surgery? But then my belly itches and I look down and see the half-shaved area. I stand in front of the mirror and look at my still swollen belly (some of it's just fat) and I look at my belly button, and the two other scars they made, one just to the left, the other just below . . . and I think . . . yeah, it really happened. I didn't dream it.

It's amazing how a part of the mind just wants me to forget. And yet, deep down inside I know better.

Things like this, unexpected things, things that could have escalated into something more serious if I hadn't listened to my body, followed my hunch, really make you sit back and take notice.

Life is too short. Waaaaaaaaaay too fucking short. And I started thinking, what if I had not survived? What if I had died? What if I hadn't opened my eyes and simply, just gone away?

Who would get rid of my things? Who would tell my family? My friends? How would my partner have reacted? How would his parents? And what about the rest of his family? Who would take care of the dogs? The cats? Who would help my partner with the bills?

On a good note, we have no children other than the dogs so that's a good thing. But would all these things, including the dogs, then just serve as a reminder of what once was?

These things have been on my mind since that night at the hospital I spent alone, when I kept waking up every few hours for heart monitoring, blood pressure and whatever that thing is they stick on the end of your finger that looks like a metal clothespin.

And then tonight, on the way home from Target . . . yeah, I know what you're thinking; Target on a Saturday night -- woo-hoo . . . two songs played back-to-back on the radio that kinda slammed it all home.

I'm 46. I'm not as young as I used to be. I know it's not old, but it's not young. It just is. And I started wondering about the things I've done, mistakes I've made, things I've yet to experience that I have always wanted to do.

And then I thought, can I change my life? Do I have the power to become something other than what I already am? Do I have the power to bring to fruition, the things I need to make a truly wonderful life for my partner and myself? To share with family and friends experiences we only dream about or talk about?

I mean, the only thing stopping me is me, right? It's not just about money, though it's definitely an insurmountable issue; but is it really?

So I thought about. And though at first I thought, I'll stop this blog and start another. A more positive one, more upbeat. One that, hopefully, will help inspire others to do what they want . . . not with religion or by what I call "churchspeak" . . . but with positive thinking. By making a choice to live more positively. Then I thought, why change it? After all, this is a journal. It's about the path of my life, the detours I've taken, both on my own and with others, some by choice, some not.

And so, hopefully, what will follow, is an evolution of mind just as I feel my heart changing.

Going forward, I hope to bring a more positive outlook to life, my loves, my passions. Oh, I'm sure the soap box will still be there somewhere. I suppose it's inevitable that it stay away forever.

I guess I simply want to bring more peace, love and harmony into my life. Yeah. I know. Sounds like some dippy, hippie shit, doesn't it? Maybe it is. But it's an experiment I'm going to try. Not just for myself, but for my partner and our relationship as two individuals who have formed a family and forged a home; perhaps not the type of family that middle America conceives of as a family, but a family nonetheless.

Ironically, a few days ago I asked Niko about a book that I thought he had. It wasn't the one that I thought I wanted to read but I took it as a sign that perhaps it was the book I NEEDED to read; despite the fact that I've already got 12 other books on my side of the bed, all in various stages of involvement!

The book I'm reading? "It's Not Easy Being Green And Other Things to Consider" by Jim Henson, The Muppets and Friends. Not the kind of book you just sit and read from cover to cover. It's more the kind of book that you absorb as you go.

Some of the messages contained within are very simply and somewhat esoteric, but they've grabbed me. Strangely, I understand that it's about the simple things that make life worth living and experiencing. I will share some as I go in this "variance" from the things I have written about in the past.

Hopefully they will help keep me, and others, inspired to continue on this journey of the surreal life. No. Strike that. My quest for a more peaceful living, a more complete and balanced life.

Yeah. I think I like that better.

P.S. The songs I heard were Toby Keith's "As Good As I Once Was" and Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying."